The Motherhood Mistake: A Cautionary Tale for Women With Dreams

The Great Lie We Were Sold

For centuries, women have been told that motherhood is their highest calling. It is marketed as the pinnacle of love, the crown of femininity, the one path to a life of meaning. Society sanctifies mothers as martyrs—yet quietly strips them of opportunity, agency, and ambition.

I know this because I lived it. I entered motherhood believing it was the natural next step, encouraged by a man who swore enthusiasm for parenthood. Within weeks, I realised the truth: it was not my liberation—it was my captivity. The child became my sole responsibility, while he used my exhaustion as proof that I was “controlling.” Motherhood did not complete me—it consumed me.

This is not just my story. It is a feminist truth: unless buffered by wealth and independence, motherhood is the single greatest threat to a woman’s autonomy.

Read more of my posts about Gender Equality here.

Motherhood as a Patriarchal Trap

Motherhood is sold as a gift, but in practice it is a mechanism of control. Men know this—even if unconsciously. A child binds a woman permanently to her partner, regardless of how unworthy he may turn out to be. It restricts her ability to leave, diminishes her mobility, narrows her career options, and destroys her capacity for risk. For men, children are symbolic—proof of virility. For women, they are material—proof of responsibility.

Across history, patriarchal systems have glorified fertility while punishing barrenness. The value of a woman has been tethered not to her mind, her talent, or her ambition, but to her capacity to reproduce. Why? Because motherhood drains her power. A woman who spends her days in care and survival has little left for rebellion.

The Economic Burden That Falls on Women Alone

In countries like the UK and US, family structures are built on a lie of equality. Yes, both parents may “work,” but the majority of unpaid labour—childcare, cooking, cleaning, emotional management—falls on women. Her career halts or stalls; his often accelerates.

Even in progressive households, studies show women still do twice the childcare and domestic labour. Men are applauded for “babysitting” their own children while women are expected to sacrifice promotions, creative pursuits, and independence as a matter of course.

Which is why I argue vehemently: unless a woman has independent wealth, motherhood is synonymous with sacrifice. Dreams are delayed indefinitely, ambitions scaled back, futures abandoned. A life of potential becomes a life wasted.

The False Freedom of “Choice”

Pro-motherhood rhetoric hides behind the language of choice: you can have it all. What it really means is: you can work two full-time jobs—one paid, one unpaid—and exhaust yourself into dust. And when, finally, the children are asleep, don’t think you can claim a single moment for yourself. Your attention must shift to your husband or partner, lest his ego be bruised by your “disinterest” in his presence. After all, he has needs too.

When you burn out, the very idea of choice will be used against you. You chose this life. If you dare to express regret, you will be branded selfish, unnatural, ungrateful. Thus choice becomes a cage, not freedom.

The truth is, many of us never had a real choice. We were conditioned from childhood to expect motherhood as inevitable. Those who resisted were shamed as selfish, cold, broken, or not feminine enough. Less than women.

Historical Amnesia: Women’s Lives Before Domesticity

Despite how ingrained motherhood feels in women’s lives, the idea that we are naturally destined for it is relatively modern. In pre-industrial societies, women were farmers, traders, artisans, healers. Fertility was one part of life, not its defining core.

The industrial era changed everything. As men left home for factory work, women were confined to the private sphere, stripped of economic identity, and trapped in domesticity. The cult of motherhood became propaganda: a woman’s place is in the home.

Even today, echoes of that narrative persist. A woman without children is pitied. A mother without sacrifice is judged. Reproduction remains not just personal but civic duty.

Regret as Feminist Testimony

I regret having children. That is a sentence few women are allowed to utter without punishment. The mythology of motherhood insists regret is impossible. To confess it is treated as heresy—a betrayal not just of your children but of your gender.

But regret is not betrayal—it is truth. My regret is not directed at my children as individuals, but at the structural reality: motherhood robbed me of autonomy, dreams, and peace. It bound me to a man who betrayed me and forced me to endure a decade in a cage of coercion.

To speak this regret is an act of feminism. It resists the silence that traps millions of women into repeating the cycle.

A Warning to Women With Dreams

This is my message to young women who still have choices before them:

• If you dream of building something lasting, do not hand that dream over to motherhood.
• If you crave freedom, protect it fiercely—children will not protect it for you they will compromise you.
• Unless you already possess independent wealth and secure autonomy, motherhood will derail your ambitions and choices.

This is not cruelty. This is clarity. Men father children and keep living. Women mother children and surrender futures. Do not be fooled by glossy narratives of “having it all.” Unless you have money, family support, or privilege, having it all means losing yourself.

Motherhood under these circumstances is a mirage—an oasis that disappears as you reach for it. The lies of completion, fulfilment, and legacy are false. What lingers instead is a prison of your own creation: a purgatory where the soul dies but the body continues, enduring the torment of a life unlived.

Toward a Feminist Reframing

To be clear: this is not an anti-child stance. It is an anti-trap stance. Children deserve love, safety, and care—but they should not be used as shackles for women.

The feminist future must include the freedom to opt out of motherhood without stigma. It must dismantle the expectation that women prove themselves through sacrifice. It must reject the myth that fulfilment lies in reproduction. It doesn’t.

And crucially, the feminist future must include transparency from regretful mothers. It is our duty to tell the brutal, unvarnished truth to younger women: the burdens of motherhood under the wrong conditions are unbearable.

We must learn to celebrate women not only for the lives they create but for the lives they live. If my only purpose in having made the mistake of motherhood is to serve as a warning siren to other women, then so be it.

Choose Yourself First—Always

It’s not selfish; it’s survival. Acting selflessly in a world full of selfish men is like bringing a knife to a gunfight—you’ve lost before you begin. You don’t have to like the rules of the game, but you will be better off if you learn to play them.

If I could speak to my younger self, I would say: do not do it. Protect your dreams first. Protect your freedom first. Children are not the measure of womanhood. A meaningful life is.

To the women reading this who have not yet walked the path I did: this is your warning. Do not surrender your future to the lie that motherhood is destiny. Unless you already own your independence, motherhood will own you.

And to those who insist this statement is bitter, unloving, or unnatural—I say: it is feminist. It is survival. It is truth.

Thank You for Reading!

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If you’re interested in diving deeper into topics like this, don’t forget to check out the Donc Voila Quoi Podcast, where I discuss these ideas in more detail. You can also follow me on Pinterest @doncvoilaquoi and Instagram @jessielouisevernon, though my accounts have been shut down before (like my old @doncvoilaquoi on Instagram), so keep an eye out for updates.