Killing in the Name of Love: The Psychology of Femicide

The Femicide Epidemic

Every three days in the UK, a woman is killed in an act of Femicide, most often by a current or former male partner. The term Femicide refers specifically to the gender-based killing of a woman, often by a male partner or former partner, and is a form of gender-based violence distinguished by the motives behind it, which are deeply tied to notions of ownership, control, and power over women.

The murder of a woman may not always be classified as femicide. To be considered femicide, the crime must involve elements of gender discrimination and specific intent to target the victim because of her gender. This distinction highlights the sociocultural factors that contribute to femicide, setting it apart from other forms of homicide.

In many of these cases, there are warning signs commonly including: obsessive behaviour, stalking, coercive control, and threats of suicide. Despite what we know, society continues to treat femicide as a tragic anomaly, rather than a predictable and preventable outcome of a deeper crisis: the psychological collapse of certain men when they lose control over the women they believe they “possess.”

This article investigates a provocative question: Is it counter-evolutionary for a man to kill a woman who leaves him? And more importantly: Can this be prevented if we intervene during the psychological rupture that precedes violence?

Drawing from evolutionary biology, comparative animal behaviour, neuroscience, and psychology, we seek to understand what separates humans from the rest of the animal kingdom in this capacity, and what that might say about our broken systems of gender, identity, and emotional regulation.

For more posts on Gender Equality, check here.

Is Male Partner Violence Evolutionary, or Maladaptive?

Evolutionary psychology often explains male violence toward female partners as an extreme (and pathological) form of mate guarding. Men, due to paternal uncertainty, may develop evolved mechanisms to prevent a woman from being impregnated by another man, hence the roots of jealousy, surveillance, and coercion.

But killing the partner doesn’t serve that evolutionary purpose. It eliminates the possibility of offspring entirely and often results in the man’s imprisonment or death. This makes femicide, from a Darwinian standpoint, maladaptive. It doesn’t secure reproduction or survival. It actively undermines it.

→ A Maladaptive Response

Femicide may be a maladaptive byproduct of ancient drives misfiring in a modern world. In environments where masculinity is defined by control, rejection can trigger an identity collapse. The man doesn’t just lose a partner, he loses himself.

The Erosion of Communal Structures and Its Impact on Male Identity

Historically, human societies operated within tight-knit communities—tribes or villages—where individual actions had communal repercussions. In such settings, masculinity and identity were reinforced through multiple channels: communal responsibilities, rites of passage, and collective achievements. A man’s sense of self was intertwined with his role in the community, providing diverse sources of validation.

In contrast, modern Western societies have undergone significant individualization. The communal bonds that once offered men various avenues for identity affirmation have weakened. As a result, many men now seek validation primarily through intimate relationships. This shift places disproportionate emotional weight on romantic partnerships, making them central to a man’s self-worth and identity.

Hence, when a romantic relationship ends, especially one that serves as a primary source of validation, the man’s ego can experience a profound destabilization. This isn’t merely emotional distress; it’s an existential crisis. The sudden loss of this “prop” to his psyche can trigger intense feelings of rejection, worthlessness, and identity confusion.

In such vulnerable states, some men may resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms. Without alternative sources of support or validation, the pain of rejection can manifest as anger, resentment, or even violence. This behaviour isn’t innate but is influenced by societal norms that discourage emotional expression and seeking help.

Recognizing the signs of this psychological spiral is crucial. Behaviours such as stalking, obsessive communication, or sudden aggression can serve as red flags. Early intervention through counselling, support groups, and community engagement can provide alternative outlets for men to process their emotions and rebuild their identities outside of romantic relationships.

Moreover, redefining societal norms around masculinity to include emotional expression, vulnerability, and seeking help can mitigate the risks associated with identity crises. By fostering environments where men can derive validation from diverse sources—be it community involvement, friendships, or personal achievements—we can reduce the overreliance on romantic relationships as the sole pillar of self-worth.

Do Male Animals Kill Their Mates?

While nature is full of brutal mating strategies, few species resemble the human pattern of post-relationship lethal violence:

• Praying mantises and spiders: Females kill males after mating, for nutrition, not rejection.
• Lions: Males kill the cubs of rival males, not the mothers.
• Chimpanzees and dolphins: Exhibit coercive sexual behaviours but rarely kill females.
• Songbirds and penguins: Males often mourn or simply move on when a female leaves.

→ What Makes Humans Different?

In animals, mating is often transactional and reproductive. There’s little room for attachment, identity, or ego. Humans, however, attach emotionally and symbolically. Romantic partners become mirrors of self-worth, particularly in patriarchal systems where masculinity is defined by possession and dominance.

Furthermore, in many animal societies, individuals live within well-defined social hierarchies that regulate interactions and access to resources. These hierarchies, often established through ritualised behaviours or displays, minimise conflict and maintain group stability. For instance, in primate groups, dominance hierarchies determine mating opportunities and resource allocation, reducing the need for constant aggressive encounters.

Such structures provide multiple avenues for individuals to establish identity and status beyond mating relationships. This diversification reduces the likelihood that the loss of a mate would lead to a complete collapse of an individual’s social standing or identity.

The Human Male Brain: A Crisis of Control

Neuroscientific research reveals that romantic rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, including the anterior cingulate cortex and insula. For men whose identities are fused with control and dominance, a breakup can feel like ego death.

• The amygdala (involved in fear and aggression) may become hyperactive.
• The prefrontal cortex (which regulates impulse and emotion) may be underactive in individuals with poor emotional regulation.
• Hormonal surges of testosterone and cortisol during rejection may exacerbate reactive aggression.

→ The Masculinity Crisis

For many men, especially in cultures that discourage emotional vulnerability, a woman’s departure doesn’t just threaten the relationship, it threatens masculine identity. If manhood is defined by ownership, then rejection is existential. The violence that follows is not just punitive, it is restorative, from their perspective: a grotesque attempt to reclaim self.

Recognizing the signs of this psychological spiral is crucial. Behaviours such as stalking, obsessive communication, or sudden aggression can serve as red flags. Early intervention through counselling, support groups, and community engagement can provide alternative outlets for men to process their emotions and rebuild their identities outside of romantic relationships.

Moreover, redefining societal norms around masculinity to include emotional expression, vulnerability, and seeking help can mitigate the risks associated with identity crises. By fostering environments where men can derive validation from diverse sources—be it community involvement, friendships, or personal achievements—we can reduce the overreliance on romantic relationships as the sole pillar of self-worth.

Societal Structures That Enable Femicide

The psychology of individual men cannot be separated from the cultural scripts they internalize. Patriarchal societies often promote the idea that:

• A woman “belongs” to a man.
• A man has the right to control or discipline her.
• Male anger is natural; female autonomy is dangerous.

These beliefs, whether overt or subtle, are embedded in everything from family law to media narratives. Femicide is not an accident of love gone wrong, it is a logical endpoint of a system that sees women as possessions.

Early Warnings: Stalking, Obsession, and the Descent

One of the most tragic aspects of femicide is that it is often predictable. Research shows clear behavioural patterns in perpetrators before they kill:

• Stalking or following the victim.
• Repeated unwanted contact.
• Coercive control (monitoring phone use, restricting movements).
• Threats or fantasies of killing.
• Suicidal ideation.

These signs indicate a spiral out of control, a period during which a man is vulnerable, unstable, and desperately trying to restore dominance.

The Intervention Point: Crisis Counselling for Men

Here lies a powerful opportunity: intervene early in the spiral.

Imagine if men exhibiting stalking, threats, or suicidal despair following a breakup were offered compulsory crisis counselling, not as punishment, but as emergency psychological care. Not all men would respond, but many would. In the years that I have worked as counsellor I have spoken with many men who were at crisis point. In almost every instance, at the end of the call the man comments on how much better he feels. Just to have had an independent woman listen to him, validate his feelings, hold him accountable for his contribution to the situation, and to convey to him that at least one person out there thinks that he is a better man than to make irrational momentary decisions that will likely haunt him for the rest of his life. Just that alone is a game changer.

If these interventions were resourced and de-stigmatized, we could save lives.

Key components could include:

• Identity deconstruction: Helping men separate their self-worth from dominance.
• Coping mechanisms: Teaching emotional regulation, stress management.
• Masculinity redefinition: Offering alternative models of manhood that centre empathy, accountability, and interdependence.
• Threat assessment: Identifying high-risk individuals for protective monitoring.

Is Femicide a Glitch in Human Evolution?

If we accept that humans are uniquely capable of killing for symbolic reasons, honour, revenge, ego, then femicide becomes less about evolution and more about misfired modernity. We are creatures with ancient instincts living in a world that demands emotional intelligence we were not biologically designed for, but are morally obligated to cultivate.

In this light, femicide is a failure not of biology alone, but of society, culture, and systems that allow masculine identity to be constructed around control and punishment.

Femicide: Preventing the Male Spiral

Men do not kill women because they loved them too much. They kill them because they were never taught how to be whole without control.

To prevent femicide, we must:

• Address the cultural roots of male identity tied to domination.
• Implement early warning systems based on known behaviours like stalking.
• Fund and prioritize crisis interventions during relationship breakdowns.
• Challenge every narrative that frames female autonomy as male loss.

Femicide is preventable, but only if we stop treating it as a tragic mystery and start seeing it as a spiralling crisis that we already know how to interrupt.

If you are a woman who feels that you are suffering from any of the behaviours outlined in this article, it is crucial to reach out for help immediately. Contact law enforcement and domestic violence services in your area for support and protection. Likewise, if you are a man experiencing the mental consequences of a relationship breakdown, please reach out to a mental health helpline. Seeking help is a vital step in breaking the cycle of violence and fostering emotional well-being for everyone involved.

Further Reading / Sources

• Buss, D. M. (2005). The Murderer Next Door: Why the Mind Is Designed to Kill.
• Wilson, M., & Daly, M. (1992). Who kills whom in spouse killings?
• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life.
• Campbell, J. C. (2003). Risk Factors for Femicide in Abusive Relationships.
• WHO & UNODC Reports on Femicide (annual statistics and intervention frameworks).

Thank You for Reading!

I hope you enjoyed this post and found it insightful. If you did, feel free to subscribe to receive updates about future posts via email, leave a comment below, or share it with your friends and followers. Your feedback and engagement mean a lot to me, and it helps keep this community growing.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into topics like this, don’t forget to check out the Donc Voila Quoi Podcast, where I discuss these ideas in more detail. You can also follow me on Pinterest @doncvoilaquoi and Instagram @jessielouisevernon, though my accounts have been shut down before (like my old @doncvoilaquoi on Instagram), so keep an eye out for updates.